Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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