I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
