If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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