Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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