Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
