I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
