mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Randomize
