If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
