I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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