He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
