My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
