you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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