Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
