A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
