She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
