How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
