it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
