Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
