I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
