I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize