omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
