Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
