I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
