May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
