So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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