How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
