Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
