Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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