These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You took a bar mat shot.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
