my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
