i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
