This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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