last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
