I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
