Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
this boner is exhausting
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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