you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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