i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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