my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
