Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
