I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Houston, we have a blender
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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