Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
