I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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