I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
