I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
