when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
