Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
