Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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