Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
