I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
