wrigley field is MILF paradise
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
