Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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