Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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