pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
