I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
