just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
