I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
