if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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