i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
