Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dating After Heartbreak
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.