susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
