he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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