Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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